


You and me and his shadow

by captainhurricane



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1918770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainhurricane/pseuds/captainhurricane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Comfort can be found in the oddest of places and oddest of people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You and me and his shadow

"Are we not both united under his flag, so to say?"   
”We don’t-”  
"I know we don’t have a flag, it’s a figure of speech,’" murmurs Ocelot as he straightens on his seat. The man on the bed next to him sighs and scratches his blond stubble. He doesn’t bother to answer or look at his companion. Ocelot shifts, his spurs make that annoying click.  
"So have not been comrades for quite a while now? What brought on your sudden distrust in me?" It’s honesty that colours the deep growl of his voice then. And here Kaz was, thinking Revolver Ocelot does not know a thing about such things like honesty. Pot calling the kettle black, Kaz thinks and knows his own betrayal of Big Boss still holds heavy on his heart.  
"I’m merely saying that fighting alongside you is different than telling you what’s on my mind," Kaz huffs and looks away, glad for his sunglasses. He squirms to turn on his side, on what’s left of his right arm.

”Are you this way with our Boss as well? Do you reject when he asks if you’re alright?” Ocelot moves again, the bed creaks. Kaz turns to see that his gun-toting comrade has sat himself on the bed with a frown on his face. Kaz huffs, sounding much like laughter.  
”Do you think he asks? He thinks a few pats on the head and a couple of inspiring speeches are enough to make anyone survive from anything, he’d put a gun into my hand again if I hadn’t lost my right arm,” he says, tasting bitterness on his tongue and not at all surprised how something inside stings. Ocelot is quiet for a moment, letting Kaz turn away again with his mouth tightening into a thin line.

”Are you…” Ocelot coughs, his gloved hand pressing against Kaz’s arm, light and careful. Had Kaz been aware of a day spent in sandstorms and Big Boss’ piercing stare, he would know Ocelot’s expression is the same as it was then as he had told the Boss the mission objective. A frown, sad downturn of a mouth that knows violence better than it knows love. Kaz bites the inside of his cheek, his body heavy with the painkillers, Ocelot’s prodding not an entirely unwelcome surprise. Especially after he had first returned to the Mother Base, his rage diminished and the need for sleep spreading through his body, Big Boss’ warmth disappearing from his side. We’re going to get it all back, Big Boss had said, his voice heavy with a feeling Kaz still can’t name. He hadn’t seen his Boss since and it had already been- what, three weeks?

”Am I what?” Kaz snaps, turning again and swatting Ocelot’s hand away and goes quiet.That expression is weird, Ocelot’s usual mischievousness and fearsome intelligence hidden under a sort of vulnerability Kaz hasn’t seen before.  
”What?” He asks again, swallowing. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Ocelot is sad. This cold-blooded killer who just easily tortures a man to death as he shows revolver-techniques to an eager recruit looks vulnerable for a moment, his silvery hair slicked back and eyes staring. His lips have twitched into a smile but it’s an awful one and Kaz struggles to sit up, his balance off.

”Look, I don’t do shit like this but he hasn’t- he’s shut me off as well,” Ocelot says and Kaz ignores his need to push Ocelot away, to make him shut up before the odd intimacy of the scene suddenly develops into something dangerous.  
”I don’t ask what’s going on with you to be a dick, you know,” Ocelot continues and his features seem all the more sharper then, his frown marring that awful, odd moment of vulnerability.  
”Ocelot,” Kaz starts but Ocelot raises his hand, huffs.  
”Don’t trust me, that’s fine. I can deal with that. I’ve dealt with that. But I want what’s best for Diamond Dogs as well-” Ocelot’s smile turns rueful and Kaz can’t discern what this is, swallowing again. ”What’s best for him, that is. And what’s best for him is that you’re fine since he needs all the support he can get and he trusts me only as far as he can throw me.”  
”Ocelot,” Kaz says again, licking his dry lips. He looks down to his lap, to the lines of his legs hidden underneath the blanket. The one healthy leg and the one that is nothing but a stump. It makes him sick.  
”So I need to know if you’re okay,” Ocelot finishes then. The words don’t come easy for him, he stumbles a few times and when Kaz looks again, Ocelot is fidgeting with his gloves.  
”Obviously not,” Kaz huffs but it lacks most of its punch. Ocelot chuckles, doesn’t get up from the bed. It would only take a little for Kaz to lean and feel the rough leather of Ocelot’s jacket.  
”Do you need anything? Food, someone to punch,” Ocelot waves a hand, ignoring Kaz opening his mouth to interrupt. ”Sex?” Ocelot raises an eyebrow and Kaz nearly chokes on his spit.

”I get laid plenty,” he says, ignoring the fact that he actually hasn’t, not since one stolen night about a month before Big Boss woke up from his coma. After that, it had been paperwork and guns, Ocelot hanging near him like the particularly bothersome fox he is and then had been the kidnapping and nights and days spent screaming and sobbing and yelling profanities at anyone who would listen.  
”Nah, you don’t.” says Ocelot. He’d taken his vulnerabilities and shoved them under big words and big gestures, acting like that one moment of shaky voice hadn’t even happened. Like Kaz hadn’t looked at him with new eyes.  
”Unless you’re into older women who can cook, you haven’t gotten laid. And I think our старуха would eat you alive anyway.”  
”She isn’t that old,” Kaz grumbles and feels an unpleasant shiver at one of the few female soldiers left in the Diamond Dogs-base. Crocodile is in her fifties and one of their more interesting recruits, after all she had beaten Ocelot in battle and had even impressed their gruff Commander.  
”I know,” Ocelot says and the grin can be heard in his voice.  
”So it stands to say that you don’t get laid- at least not with women.”

Kaz swallows and dares to look. Ocelot is staring at him, close enough to touch. His gaze is sharp as steel, reminiscent of his mother that Kaz had never met but had heard enough to know she had been the best, the very best. Big Boss himself never talked about her but he had a picture of her on one of his shelves, titled simply as the Boss.  
”I’m, so what! I have been busy. You were there, you know I was busy,” Kaz huffs. ”And then I was a prisoner, it’s not like I had any other company than the Soviets,” he squirms, feeling Ocelot’s gaze on him. There is a throbbing pain in his missing limbs. He barely resists the urge to scratch, knowing his fingers will meet nothing but sheets.

”Nothing wrong with the Soviets,” Ocelot says and now the bed creaks and Kaz is groggy from his meds and tired and he really, really needs to get this shit out of his system. So for now he accepts an intimacy that is not that surprising, accepts Ocelot sneaking his arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer and kissing the corner of his mouth before making it a real, proper one. Kaz wants to lay down and shut him off, wait for Big Boss to return and give their mission a push and push everything else away from Kaz’s mind. Kaz wants to remind himself and Ocelot that he’s not into men and that Ocelot is as sure to be his friend as his killer but- Ocelot has removed his gloves, his rough-skinned hands surprisingly comforting as they delve into Kaz’s blond strands, as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss. Kaz’s only hand grabs Ocelot’s shoulder, irritated to find it’s practically impossible to get a good grip on the rough leather.

It is true that he hadn’t gotten laid in a long while and he had been aware of Ocelot’s more wild ways for a long time. How could he have not, Ocelot tended to look at their Boss for a little too long, calling it just generaly comradeship but Kaz knew Ocelot dove into the first bathroom he saw to masturbate after the first torture session since Big Boss’ return. The kiss breaks and Kaz draws breath, reveals teeth;  
”You’re truly one of a kind, Ocelot.” His voice is more desperate than he would like, hitching at the end to make Ocelot look like a cat who had just eaten something delicious. He takes off Kaz’s sunglasses and leans to place them on the nighttable, grinning at the scrunched expression of annoyance sliding to Kaz’s face. He looks younger without his glasses, black bags under his blue eyes.  
”I’ll take that as a compliment,” Ocelot huffs and muffles Kaz’s protest with another kiss, this time deeper and not at all disgusting like Kaz had thought. It wasn’t that different to kiss man, after all. Ocelot’s lips were rougher than any woman’s and there were no curves hidden under that bulky jacket but Ocelot is warm and familiar, all different than Kaz’s lonely nightmares about a cold desert night. Ocelot shrugs off his jacket and scarf and Kaz can finally drop his hand to his waist to grasp at his heavy sweater. They do nothing but kiss for a short while, Ocelot’s fingers slipping under Kaz’s thin shirt and Kaz grasping Ocelot’s shirt tighter. There is a lump in Kaz’s throat now because Ocelot isn’t cruel now, Ocelot caresses his sides like he would do for a lover and not for just a brother in arms. When they separate, Kaz’s lips are tingling and an awful hollowness has settled on his stomach. His missing limbs throb with phantom pain that is there every second now, reminding him of what he lost.

”You look like I punched you,” Ocelot says after a moment of silence, not moving to leave but not moving closer either. His expression is undescribable and the teasing amusement isn’t there. Kaz takes few deep breaths, swallows again. Frankly he’s scared. He’s been a soldier for most of his life but fear had never really been a problem. Now it has curled itself around him like a vice, making every night of sleep not peaceful and filling it with the rattle of fire and gunshots. It’s funny, a seasoned warrior, a grown man afraid of falling asleep but Kaz can’t bring himself to laugh, to admit it aloud.

”You kind of did,” Kaz says and breathes deep. He doesn’t need this, not kindness when Ocelot knows cruelty better, not friendship when he can’t trust Ocelot isn’t ready to stab them all in the back. Not the constant throb of pain in limbs that are no there. Not the sting of tears at the corners of his eyes, his only protection- the glasses- too far from him to reach. Ocelot doesn’t laugh, merely pushes him to lay down and kisses him again. He doesn’t ask and Kaz can tell himself it’s because Ocelot doesn’t care, Ocelot only follows Diamond Dogs because of Big Boss and the odd relationship they share but it’s not the truth he knows in his heart. Ocelot presses Kaz tight against the bed and sooner rather than later, Kaz does let him push his hand down under the blanket to find Kaz’s cock.

”It’s fine, товарищ, it’s fine,” Ocelot murmurs and lets Kaz push his hips upwards, lets him cry embarrassing, awful tears and says nothing. No mockery, just a warm hand jerking Kaz off until he comes with a whimper.


End file.
